One of my biggest struggles throughout the years has been on setting boundaries for both myself and other people. Last year, while planning for our wedding, I said yes to things that I knew were going to make the event to different from what I wanted just so as to make others happy. I have often wondered why it is very difficult to say no to things that do not necessarily add value to me. I went to my therapist, Miss Google, to seek answers and even though I found a few explanations and very many ‘how to say no’ articles, I still struggled with saying no.
For most people, the internet purports that people say yes because they fear missing out, are perfectionists and because of social conditioning. While all the above are true, I recently discovered that my lack of setting up boundaries is an amalgamation of these plus one more factor: trauma response.
The foundation of setting up boundaries should take place in childhood. The people that surround that childhood environment shape and determines the kind of boundary one will end up having. In short, you can not have boundaries if you were not taught by your caregiver on how to set them. Building a secure and safe environment ensures that a child can develop their own boundaries.
In the African setting, more specifically in Kenya, where I am from, children are always taught to put other people’s needs and expectations before their own, of which failure of, can leads to neglect, physical and mental punishment, shame and emotional abuse. The effects of these abuses can cause trauma and can have significant effects on boundary development for children as they quickly realise that their lives are not their own but for fulfilling other people’s needs. Basically, you grow up knowing that you have no voice to say no and you cannot set up boundaries for yourself and doing so may lead to you being ousted.
Boundaries define who you are in relation to other people and enables you to behave appropriately and at the same time, stops you from crossing other people’s lines. Boundaries also informs you of when you are being abused and so having them will prevent emotional, physical and even intellectual abuse that end up causing trauma. Life is meant to be lived and to be enjoyed. You are responsible for your life and happiness and you must put yourself first. You cannot serve from an empty pot, so it is up to you to fill your pot before serving it to others, even if it means putting up boundaries for your own good. This is what I am doing this year.
I know what I need to do, I am aware that it is going to be a difficult and that I might come off as unpleasing and even disobedient. I am expecting to lose many connections that I have built throughout the years and it is ok, I am giving myself a chance by putting myself first. Here is my plan of action:
1. Define and Prepare
The first step I intend to take is to prepare and define the kind of boundaries I want as well as my expectations from them. In a compassionate manner, I am going to let my relatives, friends and colleagues know of my requirements and my expectations. I am aware that I will receive positive responses as well as negative ones especially from those that are scared of change, abusive and even manipulative, but, I think that preparing and having an insight of what to expect should make this process easier.
2. Re-adjust
One of my biggest takeaways from 2020 was that nothing lasts forever and that things can change when you least expect it. Readjustments are therefor necessary for different situations. I expect people close to me to also change both positively and negatively after they realise that things are different. With that, I intent to re-evaluate and readjust to check in with myself to make sure that those changes are in line with what my personal needs.
3. Mean what you say stick to the plan
The purpose of this is to change how things have not been working in my favour. While it might take time to start and fully see the changes taking place, it is important to stick to the plan. I am giving myself one year and sticking to setting boundaries for myself because I deserve to put myself first.
4. Prepare to feel uneasy
Just like any uncomfortable task, hard work and dedication are required to achieve a goal and the same goes for building boundaries. I need to start thinking about how to cope with feeling guilty, scared and intimidated and ways to overcome these setbacks. I intend to give myself space to build and rebuild what I will allow and disallow.
5. Form repercussions
Forming repercussions for those who will not respect your boundaries in necessary. The end goal here is to create boundaries for your own sanity in the long-run and to do so I might be required to take breaks from people and even end relationships that add little value especially with those that might end up disrespecting my boundaries.
6. Be attentive to other people’s boundaries
This is a learning process that I also hope to learn and give to other people that have their own boundaries. I intend to not take it personal when someone says no and to pay close attention to signs that people give to indicate that their boundaries are being crossed.
7. Take time in responding
Most of my yes’ normally occur when I want to get out of a situation. Being an empath, I find myself instantly wanting to help someone get out of a bad situation and that for me means saying yes to many things, or in short being a people pleaser. Knowing this as my weakness, I now intend to take time in responding to requests.
I am excited to see how 2021 will turn out. I want to be happier and to be surrounded by genuine people that truly add positivity and value in my life and to do that, I need to set up boundaries that will uproot all the people that should not be in it. I hope you will find a theme for yourself this year and to live a rich and fulfilling life.