Seven months ago, I was getting nervous and excited about walking down the aisle in my local church in Nairobi for our wedding. My friend, while working in Sweden, kept sending me COVID-19 updates, but in my mind I knew that there was no way the virus would get its way to New York, let alone Nairobi.
Three weeks later, I walked down the aisle and got married to my husband. We were set to return back to New York three days after. Things took a different turn when I was not allowed to board the New York-bound flight from Dubai. My husband was also not allowed to travel back to Kenya with me, and so we separated and flew back to our respective countries. It took five months before we were reunited again.
Reflecting back on what I think was probably by far the most difficult five months of our lives, I am thankful that we are back together and also for the life-changing lessons I learned from that season which I can now share with you.
Self-reflection is a must
Being away from home and the busyness of New York gave me a chance to self-reflect. While the world paused, I analysed many aspect of my life, from thoughts, attitudes, emotions, motivations, desires and behaviours. I was able to see where I was in life and establish where I want to be and the steps, skills and tools I need to get there. I was also able to assess my reactions to circumstances and how I respond to them.
I have learned that we often get stuck as we go through life without making decisions in a moment without analysing how those decisions impact our lives. I, for example, have taken jobs without analysing their impact on my well being, jobs that ended up being stressful and had adverse impacts on my health. Self-reflection has allowed me to gain perspective, learn and understand myself and to react effectively to whatever situation I may find myself in.
Uncertainty creates opportunities
Just like me, the pandemic has turned many people’s lives upside-down. We are living in uncertain times and are unsure of what the future holds. We rely on prediction to determine our daily lives as it helps us feel safe, have some sense of control and reassurance that things will be normal. Dealing with the unknown throws us off our normal routine and leads to a build up of anxiety.
With uncertainty comes opportunities to redefine our perspectives. Through it, I realized that I was developing by giving myself a chance to listen to my wants in a way that I wasn’t before. By seeing that things were out of my control and forced to accept that I had no control over them, I found myself learning and being more open to the diverseness of the world, which further led to curiosity, creativity and courage.
I am not my thoughts
I had to keep reminding myself that it is normal to feel anxious and stressed. My anxiety and stress were mostly caused by thoughts over things that were beyond my control. I learned that I am not defined by thoughts and that I had the power to control whatever was coming into my head and with that, I was able to tame most facts that were mainly non-factual.
Always put yourself first
Growing up, I was always told that I should put other people first. While this is good and teaches respect and builds a good sense of belonging, it is always important to prioritise yourself before considering other people. As the saying goes, “you cannot pour from an empty cup”.
You feel pain by yourself and in a different way, depending on your pain receptors. It is impossible for anyone at any point to feel the same level of pain, be it physical or mental, so you should put yourself first to cure your pain before trying to cure other people.
You are responsible for your emotional reactions
You are the only one responsible for your emotions. Nobody can make you happy. You choose whether what a good or bad thing someone has given or done to you will make you feel happy. People’s reactions depend on many factors such as moods, education, personalities, families and cultural background.
I have learned that I am not responsible for people’s reaction and that least I can could do is to influence them and leave it to them to react however they want.
Every emotion is valid
I had a build up of emotions that I chose to block while waiting for things to go back to normalcy. I learned the hard way that this was terrible for my mental health. We are often taught that hide whatever we are feeling instead of acknowledging them. A build of this often leads to depression and anxiety as it causes psychological distress.
Having emotions means that we are alive and that things matter to us. Feeling afraid, angry and even sad is a signal that something is wrong and needs to be dealt with in order to stay safe. Emotions have an influence on the way we think. Our gut instincts revolve around our emotions, attitude and feelings as our brain lay the foundation of what we will think of a given situation. This means that, while facing a threatening situation and having very little time to think, our emotions take over and trigger quick behavioural responses that protect us. Emotions not only protect us but also support us in decision making and provide motivation and influence on the appropriate actions to take.
In a nutshell, the pandemic has given me opportunities that have reshaped and improved my life. I have become more appreciative of the little things that matter the most, I continue to learn to accept change and leave behind things that are not within my control. I am now more open-minded and have gained courage to face my fears. Keep in touch and let us know how your life has changed over the past seven months.